Last week was pretty busy. The boyfriend, my German friend, and 2 of my Japanese friends came. I was hanging out with them for the whole week while having classes (and skipping some) in between. As a result of going to many places and eating out every day, I am very poor right now, but I think it was worth it.
It was incredibly nice, though a bit short, spending time with my boyfriend again. We stayed in Bangkok for the whole week because he said he didn't feel like traveling anywhere else after climbing Mt.Fuji. In the end we kind of ran out of places to go, with this being his second time in Bangkok and all, but we've got to talk and talk and talk about many things during the week. Remember I said I've been feeling lost about future and what I want to do with my life for a while now? I talked to him about it and he did ask me lots and lots of questions about myself and put things in perspective for me. Looking back now, I know I was too worried and kept worrying without trying to think and see things clearly in a more rational way. But he helped pointing out what he thinks I was good at and what I can do. I know it probably sounds very simple and obvious, but it's something I can't really see. He said I was scared of making decisions, and possibly scared of making mistakes. But it's ok to make those mistakes. I still don't know what I want to do in the future, but at least now I don't feel too hopeless. Thanks to him, I have a bit more confidence for the unknown future.
He even said I should move out and start my own life. Like many Germans, he added. I totally understand his point, but I had to explain him about cultural differences between Europeans and Asians, or maybe Thailand in general; how strong the family value it is here and of course it's a "group culture" like the rest of Asia. It was a bit funny after all we had been talking for the whole week, in the end he made a comment that "Maybe I'm not Asian enough" and maybe studying eastern languages is not for me. I am good at languages, he said, but maybe Japanese is not "the language" This made me think A LOT. Though I'm ok with Japanese, I've never felt confident using it as much as I do in English. As for the Asian comment, it wasn't the first time I heard that. My American friend used to tell me that I'm not a typical Asian and my Thai best friend also said that I've been "westernized" I found that a bit funny and wondered why. I've grown up in Thailand my whole life with only 2 years studying abroad. Wonder how much of the effect of those 2 years have on me. Is it really strong enough to change the way I am as a Thai person?
I was giving my thoughts and opinions for him about himself too, though I probably didn't do a very good job at it. I didn't know that he also feels a bit unsure about what to do in the future and has his own worries. Guess this is common for university students around the world. It's not just me.
Somehow his visit this time made me look at him in a bit more different way, a better way. I used to think he didn't really understand me or even wanted me to change something about myself. But now I do think he accepts me for who I am. He even said he wanted me to be exactly what I am, and it feels amazing to hear that from someone you really care about.
It's nice to have someone like that in your life. It's not just a boyfriend who you hang out with or have fun with, but it's a person who is there for you; sharing thoughts, talking about many different things in life, listening, helping, learning from each other at the same time. It made me feel really sad that I've found this kind of person but I can't have him around.
But I told him I'll try to be more positive, less worried, and less insecure. It's really difficult for me, but I'll try. At least I know I feel more positive than the last time I went to visit him in Japan. I told him I'd love to come visit in October if he's not too busy with work. I'm really not sure how that will work out though because he's going to start his job working full time next month until his semester starts in late October. If he is too busy with his job, then I don't think I'll go. But we said we'll wait and see. It's still too early to tell.
I still don't know where our future is, but like I said, I'll try to not think too much about it and focus on the present.
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