Whatever will be, will be

Neven pretty much just asked about our future.

Same old conversation again ...

He said I'll start working soon and I'll go on with my life here in Thailand and he'll go on with his in Germany, so he asked how we're going to go on, visiting each other like twice a year and skyping? It's not enough, and is this what a relationship about? Is this relationship "real"?

It's a dreadful topic, something I had been thinking over and over and over a couple of months ago when we started the relationship. If you've been reading my blog, you know it was something that had preoccupied my thoughts for months. I couldn't shake it off my mind and it was extremely horrible.

But I don't think about it anymore. And I told him I stopped thinking because there's no point and I try to focus more about the present moment - that I always feel good when I talk to him. And it's better getting to talk to him than nothing at all. I feel happier thinking this way. The relationship is real or not, I don't know, but I know my feeling is real.

I told him that he should stop if this skyping, talking to me starts to feel like a routine, or he feels bored, or he doesn't want to skype and he should be honest, but I know he doesn't have a problem being honest. And I added that so far I haven't felt that he doesn't feel good when he talks to me and I think he enjoys talking to me as much as I do.

So where does this leave us?

I don't know and don't have an answer for our future, but I told him I don't want to stop this now.

If this will end, it'll end. I guess I've prepared myself for the day when it ends since this relationship started, though I don't think I'll be "mentally stable" enough to handle it when that day comes, and will unlikely "recover" from this in a short period of time, and it'll be really hard for me to go through. I'm really scared, but I'm trying hard not to worry about it anymore.

All I know is we've had a really great time together and I don't regret that this relationship happened. It's been wonderful.

Whatever will be, will be. I have no control whatsoever in the future.