The beginning of 2012: The break-up

We broke up on new years eve night over new year. Sure as hell a great way to remember the beginning of my 2012. What a great start, isn't it?

It's 10 to 6 AM as I'm writing this down. I went to bed around 1ish crying to sleep, woke up in the middle of the night at 4 crying, and now I'm still crying. Don't think I've cried this much in ... 6 years. Last time was when I broke up with my ex too. Break-ups are always one of the hardest things for me to go through.

I understood everything he said. We have the same thought, and he's right that we were trying to avoid the reality that there is no future between us, instead we were hoping that maybe something, anything could magically happen. But at the same time deep down we know it won't.

I totally understand but it still hurts so much that it leaves me confused/upset/depressed/angry. You name it, I feel at least ten thousand kinds of emotions at the moment. He doesn't want to stop talking to me, but for me it doesn't feel right to go on talking, when everything has changed. At the same time I know I want to talk to him. It's ironic that he's the only one that "gets" me the most, though he's so far away. Talking to him has been nothing but enjoyable and comforting, but how will it be from now on!? Surely this will all change, and I hate to lose a person who I can just talk to about everything and be myself. It's not easy to find someone like that.

It doesn't help at all that somehow I had tried to prepare myself for this, even imagined the scenario in my head, knowing sooner or later the end would come. It still hurts so much more than I want to admit.

I'm really, really confused and don't know where to go from here. First I just want to go back to sleep and stop crying, but I can't even do that. I don't know anything anymore. This is too much, too overwhelming.