This post is not going to be a nice read, let me warn you first.
Starting with Insecurities, it happened at a networking event which my client invited my friend and me. It wasn't the fact that I didn't have the courage to "network" with strangers that made me upset, it was more about conversations between my client and my friend. I just thought my friend is really smart, she knew the right, intelligent questions to ask about "business" at the right moment. Obviously it was her field of study but I felt a bit down about myself. I knew everyone is different, anything can be learned, it's not that I am dumb. But still, on the way home by myself in a cab, I felt intimidated, insecure, and hated myself that I felt insecure. It was one of the feelings that I don't ever want to feel. It made me self doubt myself again whether I should be studying about business, whether it's the right field for me, maybe this is not for me, and tons of other useless, insecure thoughts on my mind.
That was on Wednesday night. I regret to admit that those moments made me miss Neven again. He'd know what to say, he'd definitely make me feel better, and tons of other "he would"s. Somehow, 8 months later, I still forget that he is not and will never be here anymore. Will this ever stop? One day I know it will, but so far it has been too long.
On Thursday morning meeting at work didn't make me feel any better. I got really tired of talking or even listening to people who don't make sense and argue about stuff that is not important in the first place. Instead of trying to find solutions to the problem, they chose to fight about stuff they don't even understand that well and tried to counterattack other people. WHAT THE HELL.
On Friday morning I woke up having a bad headache with fever so I decided to take a day off work and sleep. After breakfast I started to throw up and feel really weak. Now before you start suggesting this could be a symptom of morning sickness, I can safely say I'm not pregnant, but I didn't know what was wrong with me either. It was a real nightmare! I couldn't eat anything all day and kept throwing up. In the end my mom took me to the doctor and the doctor gave me a shot. We thought it could be food poisoning. I was passing out almost the whole day and night and my head was pounding really badly, and I kept waking up in the middle of the night shaking and feeling cold. I was in a really bad shape!
Took me 2 days to recover. I'm writing this on Sunday feeling like my normal self again. It's great we are having a holiday tomorrow as well! Today is mother's day in Thailand, and everyone on Facebook feel like they MUST advertise their moms faces to Internet by posting pictures of moms and describing what they did together today and telling the whole world they love mommy oh so much zzzzzzzz. I wonder how many moms are on Facebook to see, I also wonder if these kids tell their moms the same cheesy thing they post on Facebook. It's Overrated, with the capital O to say the least, and it...annoyed me. I just get tired of "the trend" on Facebook these days that a few group of people start doing something, then 8097554373389 of people see that and start doing the same thing, and they feel they need to share to the world all together at once. It's tiring for me to see everyone doing, following each other, sharing the same thing.
I wasn't gonna mention about this topic! Did my best by not tweeting about this but guess it still bugs me. How sad that I did not have a picture of my mother to show on mother's day like everyone else! Our family did go out for dinner today, and I tried to pay as a treat, but my dad wouldn't let me (typical).
And on the way home I was told AGAIN, probably for the 4th time, from my dad that he doesn't think I should study about business, that it wouldn't fit me, though he said I should study about what I want to. Guess what, I said I wanted to try business. I wonder how many more times will I keep hearing that he's against my decision in a way he says, though he will not admit that he says it?
Sometimes I feel like I want to scream. I want to get away of all these opinions and expectations that do no good to me, only add higher degree of self-doubt and insecurities. I don't need that, I don't want to hear it anymore.
It is too much sometimes. Earlier this week, for the very first time in many, many years or maybe in my life, I was told it's ok to go in my own pace, that everyone walks in different paces. And that, just that sentence, made me cry.
That sentence just hit me how stressed and worried I had been toward my future. What I want is really simple. Sometimes I just need a hug and someone to say it's ok to not figure out everything now. I'm tired.
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