I'm doomed

I'm a bit depressed. This post is not gonna be something cheerful to read. If you're in your holiday spirit, I don't think you should read this post.

Suppose if you really worked hard on something, but the results were still not satisfactory. What would you do?

My friend told me that life is not all about studying. No, you misunderstood me. This is not only about studying. It's about effort, determination, and goals. This thing can apply to anything that you've been trying hard to achieve, but you still feel like you suck.

That's how I feel at the moment. I'm not giving up. I'm determined to keep fighting, but I want to discover what I've done wrong. Yes, I tried, but it could be some stupid ways of trying, maybe there are other right or smarter ways I haven't discovered yet. I have to find out what my mistake is so that I can fix it. I've been asking myself tons of questions, wondering how to improve my ability, wanting to know what it was that I did wrong. Well, what the hell is it?

But maybe this is my limit. This is how far I can go and I can't go any further. Maybe this is all I've got.

If it's true, that is the hardest part to swallow. After 12 years or pretty much all my life of being an outstanding student, I'll finally have to admit after entering this place I've become just...plain. Average. Just another ordinary.

What I need now is a holiday. Don't mention about New Year's holiday, cuz I don't fuckin have one. I have mid-term, presentation, essay due, and 2 tests coming up on the week right after New Year's.

I know this is Japanese major, the toughest major of the faculty. Ask any students in my faculty and they can give you comments about how freaky our major is. There are obvious reasons why I dare say it's the toughest. First, we are all "specially selected" 35 students, other students are not allowed to choose this major if they didn't take Japanese on admission exams, so we can skip all the preliminary stuff and continue our previous Japanese knowledge from high-school in the first year while others start taking their major subjects in their second year. Second, the lowest score for entering my major on admission exams is 80% and the highest in my year is 89%, which is the highest criteria in my faculty. Third, this is an individual major which means students are not allowed to choose minor, so students are expected to sell their souls to the Gods of Japan, or more likely so. Fourth, once you become a Japanese major, you CANNOT change. You're stuck here for 4 years. If you don't like it, suck it up or get out of the faculty.

I feel claustrophobic. After 2 years of studying here, my conclusion is all teachers and curriculum aim us to be perfectionists. We have to be the best. We have to be geniuses. We have to know everything. Mistakes are unacceptable, even the tiny little ones. But we're only human. They want us to be machines. A perfect machine with no malfunction.

This is not what I call a life because real life is anything but perfection. From the moment I stepped in Chula, I felt like I stopped living. I only live for 4 months of the year during break. Other time I work, work, and fuckin work all semester long non-stop. I swear there has never been A SINGLE WEEKEND of my college life that I don't have any school work to do or tests to study.

And they said sophomore is not bad. The "real" stuff is coming next year.

Yesterday I was hanging out with my friends around Siam and it was very crowded. Seeing that many people gave me headache. But everyone looked so happy. I saw families going out to have dinner and laughing with each other, many couples holding hands with smiles on their faces, people goofing around, drinking beer, singing, and taking pictures. Usually I'm in my best mood during this time of the year, cuz I love seeing other people happy. There are some kinds of energy radiated from happy people to make me feel it too and can simply smile and think how cute they are. Yesterday I looked around, but I did not feel it. I didn't feel the happiness. I didn't sense the holiday vibe. And I wanted to be in it so badly, wanted to be wrapped in a bubble and be totally oblivious about how much I fucked up yesterday, but I couldn't, and I kept asking myself what the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm trying to find a "balance" in life, trying to figure out things, trying to regain my happy self back. I seriously don't want to start new year with depression and hopelessness. The most unforgivable thing in the world to do so.

What I want the most at the very moment is just one weekend that I can wake up, spend time reading some of my favorite books or basically just spend some time with myself and relax, eat some delicious pieces of cake, hang out with my good friends and have a girls' talk, come back home, and wake up the next morning without having to worry about project A, test B, presentation C, homework D, quiz E, essay F, and preparing for lesson G for the following week.

In other words, I want my life back.

Do I ask too much?