Sad to be home

What a weird thing to say. It should be the other way around, shouldn't it? But it's true. It feels really weird to be back here and I wish I could go back to Nagoya.

It's been a really long day. Didn't get to sleep much at all last night, maybe about one or two hours because I had to leave at 6 AM to go to the airport in the morning. A friend came to see me off at the airport and I was really grateful. Absolutely had no idea how to carry all my shit by myself. I have one big suitcase, one carry-on and one backpack. Though my big suitcase is overweight (25 kilos), the JAL staff didn't care about it at all. She even said I could load my carry-on too and I did. That's another 11 kilos, made it 36 kilos in total. Very nice, isn't it?

My friend and I went to have Starbucks before I left. It's the same Starbucks that my friends and I came when we came to see our English friend off in August. The only difference is this time my friend came to see me off and it felt really strange. I still felt like I wasn't going to leave Japan permanently, but maybe to somewhere just to travel for a while and I'd be back in Nagoya as usual.

The weirdest part of all is, I did NOT cry at all when I had to walk through the security check and leave Nagoya. I thought I'd be crying to death, but there's no tears and I think I acted quite normal and calm. Maybe it's because I've been dreading this moment and imagining the worst scenario in my head and preparing myself for this. I felt like I wanted to cry before we landed in Bangkok though. It hit me that I'm back in Thailand and not in Nagoya anymore. There's no turning back to what is already ended.

Also, it felt strange that I could understand all the signs written at the airport and the conversations around me perfectly. I remembered that I got really excited to see Thai characters again when I returned home from the States. This time? No, not at all. I didn't even care about it. On the other hand, I was even thinking everything looks boring and nothing is left challenging here.

And now I still feel very weird...and sad. I didn't feel excited one bit about getting to eat Thai food again. It's as if I've turned numb and kept everything inside which I don't think it happens to me very often. I felt like I was about to cry again when my parents and I were waiting for the food at a restaurant. Good thing I didn't. Not ready to tell my parents why if I did cry. They'd probably feel really bad that I'm not happy to come back home at all. So what I've been saying instead is I'm really tired, which is also true.

Only a couple of hours back home, but I'm already getting really annoyed that I have to listen to my mother telling me to do this and that again. It was really peaceful living by myself in Japan...

I know I'll get back to my life here eventually, but right now I'm just...really confused and don't know how to start my life again. It could be because I'm really tired and am in dire need of sleep, preferably lots of it.

I have something to look forward to this Monday, though. One of my Nupace friends is coming to Bangkok to meet up with another Nupace friend who's in Malaysia now and will come to Thailand later. It happened very spontaneously and my friend just booked the plane ticket last night. Many Nupacers are now either going back home or traveling somewhere else due to the situation in Japan now. We were counting last night and it looks like there will be like 5 people left at our dorm by the end of this month!

So it's good I'll get to see my friends, people I know from Japan, again this soon. At least I have something to get myself distracted. And it's always good getting to see your friends again!

Thinking about writing my diary tonight after I hadn't done for ages. I predict it'll be a really long one.

Apologize for a depressing post.