Emotional wreck

We finally talked the night before I left.

I think we've said what is need to be said. He said he really likes me and said this feels like it could go on for a long time. But he also said he realizes that our focuses are really different. My focus will probably be about either Thailand or Japan. His focus will most likely be about Germany. He even said he's always busy with classes, internships, jobs, and he doesn't even have enough time to visit his friends in Germany.

It's ironic from the start and actually one of the first words I told him from the beginning was "This is bad timing" and he said he remembered it well. It's as if everything is going against us, everything is so determined to not make this work out.

I've already thought about all of this for a while. It's funny how I always worry about what he thinks but it often turns out that we think the same.

Yesterday morning at the airport was horrible. Way beyond horrible. We were both tired having to get up early. We went to have some Onigiri and Starbucks for breakfast on the second floor of Centrair airport. He started to say it feels weird that I'm going...

When the time came and I had to leave, we were hugging and I was literally sobbing so hard in front of the international departure security check. He kept holding me back and I couldn't just leave. I saw tears in his eyes too and was a bit surprised. He's not the kind of person that I'd expect to see him cry.

But I really had to leave. The screen said it was a final call for my flight.

So I went in the security check and kept looking back and waving at him until I couldn't see him anymore. After that I had to run all the way to the gate. Never have I been to the boarding gate this late.

The flights weren't too bad, even though I felt a bit tired because I couldn't sleep and there were tears in my eyes at some random moments. I didn't have to wait for too long for the transit in Hong Kong so that was good.

When the plane landed in Bangkok, I felt sad. When I was back in my room, I felt even sadder. It feels like there's no turning back.

We skyped last night for a bit and it was the most heart wrenching video call I've ever experienced. In the beginning I was actually excited about skyping with him because I thought at least I'd get to see and talk to him for a bit. But he looked so sad and depressed. I've never seen him like this before. He said he couldn't remember the last time he cried but today he did and it was weird to let me go and this hurts too much; yesterday I was there and now I'm in the screen. Skyping is too much for him. And I was sad to see him sad and ended up crying and crying. It was really horrible.

He said he needs more time to get used to this again and I really understand. He didn't expect it to be this bad. It's also bad for me, but I think I've prepared myself for it and expected it to be really bad. It still is, but it's somewhat bearable.

Time will make things better, I know. As for me, I'm sad because I feel like it's over. I don't think we will ever get to spend that much time together like we did in the past 3 weeks. He's also going back to Germany in a couple of months so this feels even more like he's farther away.

It's a shame to see something great ends because of nothing but distance.