Failed attempts to be rational

I don't think I have a boyfriend anymore.

No, it's not that we fight or anything. There were discussions about what we should do from now on because, like I said, it doesn't look like we have a future together. He even said we both don't want it to be over, but maybe it is already over between us.

The first discussion, 2 days after I got back, was really bad and I burst out crying. Just thinking about it seems too much to bear and it put me in misery. But then I had more time to think, and not think, but do other things like go to classes and go on with my life here.

We both have been thinking, but no conclusion comes out of it. We still Skype, but it is much less than it was. No more sweet little words, cute emoticons sending back and forth, or 20 minutes staring at each other. Nothing. A good talk sharing stories in our lives, that's what it is.

So I suppose we are friends, though we don't really want to be. And I don't feel like "friends" with him at all. There are some days when I feel happy that I still get to talk to him at all, and think I should be satisfied with that. But some days are harder than the others. Some days I couldn't help but replaying good memories from the past, and I feel sick, hollow, and sad inside that we are slowly drifting apart. Not that we want to but, like I said, it doesn't look like we could do anything about it.

I think it's better this way; the rational thinking way. My friend even said it's great that we still talk and I still have him in my life (sort of, depends on how you look at it). Whatever happened was just a tiny chapter in my life. And now it's time to move on to something else. There's no point getting stuck in the past, no matter how happy the past was.

(This is what I've been telling myself. However, what I feel is the entire opposite...) 

Have I mentioned that I hate vagueness? I can't do the "in-between" sort of thing. It's been a "fashion" in Thailand for a while to label a status as "more than friend, but not as much as girl/boyfriend" and I've always been wondering what the hell this status means. Simply because I can't do it. It's driving me crazy.

But it feels like this is what it is between us now. It's vague.

He said maybe we are not patient enough for the answer to come out clearly. Maybe we need time to find the answer we've been looking for.

I think differently. Isn't the answer clear enough? I'm talking about the logical and realistic one.

Maybe we just need time...to move on.

Maybe I just need time to see him as a friend.