I don't know why I dislike my own country this much

That was from the conversation between my best friend and me last night. We were chatting from 10 until like 3. It felt really good getting to talk to her about things, anything, everything.

After I've been to Japan for almost one year and am about to return to Thailand soon, this is what I've felt; I don't like my country and I don't think I was happy in my own country. I feel guilty just to say this because it makes me sound like a bad Thai person. I'd say most Thai people are patriotic, but you can see I'm clearly not one of them. But this is how I feel and I was told to be honest with my own feelings because there is nothing wrong about it, and I've been trying to follow my friend's advice here.

I've been comparing my country and Japan more and more as the departure date drawing closer. I'm jealous of how convenient life can be in Japan. I'm jealous of their transportations. In Thailand everything is just...difficult and messed up. I hate the fact that Thai people can never be disciplined and never know how to follow the rules or what exactly rules are for that matters. I'm out of the country now looking back to my own country as an outsider's perspective and, excuse my language, I think my own country is really fucked up. Thailand does not know how to function. We'll never ever be developed in 100 years. And it is sad that what prevents that is nothing else but the nature of Thai people.

I know Thailand has many charms, but lately I've been seeing only ugly things; so many that they all cloud over the Thailand charms and I can't really see the beautiful side of my country anymore.

My friend said my problem is I don't feel proud of my country. Yeah, I think she's right. Sometimes I even feel ashamed, especially when bad news (mostly stupid news in my opinion) about my country spreading around the world, and me, as a Thai person, has to answer the questions from the foreigners around me. I don't know why it happened to my country, okay? I don't get my country most of the time, to be honest.

My friend asked me to at least try to change my attitudes. She said she feels sad for our own country and I totally understand her points of view. I think I have two choices here; change my attitudes or change the country I live. It is something to be pondered upon.

Well, at least I have to go back for now and graduate. I know that when I'm back in the country again, I'll get used to life there and will gradually accept it and it won't bug me this much like when I'm outside of the country. Until I get to come out of Thailand again and I'll probably feel this way again when I go back. It happened last time when I went to the states for a year and it repeated itself again when I came to Japan this year.

Sometimes I'm jealous of people in developed countries that they have better standard of living and quality of life...

I'm sure Thailand is a good country and many Thai people are fine with the way things are in Thailand. I am the one who has problems with it.

Or maybe it's because I just never seem to be satisfied with what I have.