I need "ME"

I need to write this out. It's been bugging me all day long since our sensei gave us comments about our speeches today.

She said the person who used most of the grammar/sentence patterns that we covered in this lesson would get good points. It's the most important thing about this speech.

It made me feel claustrophobic "again." This is what I'm facing more and more each day; following the rules to reach their criteria. Do as what you've been told should be the most important thing about studying Japanese and understanding its culture. If they say you must go this way, don't ever think about straying from the path even for only one single step. They create their own system, and everyone MUST follow it. No differences. No disagreements. If you think out of the box, if you want to step outside of this fuckin' box possibly merely 1 millimeter, you're dead. It's no longer acceptable if judging from their standard.

Look at today's speech criteria; the teacher didn't judge from the speaker's personality, eye contact, body language, correct pronunciation, volume, gestures, etc. In other words, the whole point the speaker trying to grab audience's attention for an effective communication. Aren't those should be considered essential when giving speeches? WRONG. Not for Japanese. Even if it's impractical, oh who cares? you have to follow the patterns. Even if there are millions of other alternatives to say that sentence, oh who cares? you have to follow the fuckin patterns. Even if you're boring and no one wanna listen to you, can't you hear me? I said PATTERNS so do it MY way!

This comes from me who has been following rules pretty much almost all my life and has self-discipline to a certain degree. Don't even think breaking rules is my life. Still, some days I feel I cannot take this anymore. Where is INDIVIDUALITY? People are different, and there's no way we ALL can follow the SAME pattern because it works for everybody. But it's like they are putting everyone in this robotic system and trying to erase your own opinion or even yourself. Who give a shit about individulity? It's unison that counts. Who cares about being different, being YOU? It's all about fitting in the society that counts.

I've never lived in Japan, but only the way they teach us is driving me mad already.

It's always been amazing to me to see every single person from their country writing numbers or @ sign in the same pattern. And the way they point at themselves to the way they raise their fingers to count. Everyone does the same! How could you train or should I say "dictate" people in your country to do that? HOW? What if I want to have my own way of doing certain things? Would it be considered guilty for doing so? Would it be A CRIME?????????

I didn't see it back then in high school when I started studying Japanese. But it keeps growing on me the more I learn about their language and cultures. There are certain aspects I really can't stand them, this part for instance. I must say each person is unique in their own way, and individuality always matters to me. A big matter. It should be perfectly normal to be who you are to the point of what you think, what you do, and HOW you do it. People are interesting because they're different, not that they're all the SAME.

Well, Japan is a developed country, so their way might work somehow. I just, OK I hate to say this cuz I really wanna be as open-minded as I can, but as for THIS, I think it's fuckin retarded.

Fine, I'll stop ranting. Took me only 15 minutes to type everything which means I must be really angry.

No wonder why I feel like I'm in the wrong place. How could you study about something that clashes your personal belief and be good at it?